Lots of R's

First of all--HOLLA!! I have missed you guys so much! Also, I have noticed a few new readers in my last posts, and I just wanted to say welcome! Hope you stick around and that I don't scare you off with this huuuuuugee post that I'm about to proffer.

I have been super busy with the holidays and family, but also thinking a lot about the past year and all it has brought for me. I have also been thinking a lot about the blog...

...and pondering if I should keep it going in the new year. There are several reasons for this thought process. First of all, I started this blog back in May, when I was in quite a different frame of mind. I was embattled in my eating disorder, and this blog served as an excellent tool to aide me in my recovery ( you can read more about that here). I have made significant strides since than and have forsaken some of the things that "kept" me sick, were no longer serving their positive purpose in my life, or were otherwise keeping me tied to the identity of someone suffering with anorexia.

I was worried that blogging was only serving to make me "accountable" for the food I was eating, instead of the fun I was supposed to be having with it. Hope that makes sense. However, I have come to the conclusion that this blog has been far more helpful than hurtful for me as I move forward in recovery. Because I have a forum to vent my frustrations and fears, as well as my accomplishments, I know that I have been able to move farther ahead. Mostly thanks to so many of the awesome readers I have and friends that I have made. It is so incredible to know that I have people who "get" me, and my food!

You have stood by me this year as I have tried many new things, from avocados, to hamburgers, to some very Freaky Foods; and you all have helped me learn so much, too! Thank you and Happy New Year!!

Anyway, I am grateful for my little bitty blog and for the job it does in helping me keep track of the bigger picture. I am working on letting go of a lot of things, and that includes my all or nothing mentality. Here are some thoughts that I think will help me align my blogging priorities with the rest of my LIFE--

Realizations/revelations:

• Freaky Food Friday does not have to be EVERY Friday
• Sammie Saturday does not have to occur EVERY Saturday
• If I do not post for a few days, or a week or even two weeks, no one is going to miss me THAT BAD.
• I do not have to read every blog post or be fantastically witty and/or snarky in every single post of my own. Sometimes I don't have anything interesting to post, but sometimes that can be just as interesting--it will be up up me to make that call.

In addition to realizations and revelations, I have also been pondering another "R." Resolutions. Now, I am not typically a person who makes New Years Resolutions. I have never seen the need for it because I usually just decide to do things and then do them. I don't always appreciate the idea of working up to a goal because it often seems it takes more effort to get there than to just get going! However, because so much has occurred in 2009 (both personally and food-related), the start of 2010 seems like a good time to work in some modified lifestyle aspects.

Meatless Mondays: This idea came about for a variety of reasons. First, we spend an atrocious amount of money on food. Most of this is my problem. D would be content eating peanut butter (an Nutella) sandwiches, tuna fish and $.25 burritos. I, on the other hand, prefer 5 dollar jars of nut butters, copious amounts of FRESH fruit and vegetables (2 lb bag of baby carrots, you ain't got nuthin on me!), and any type of new, cool, healthy, heard-about food product.

Also, honestly, I am at a point in my recovery where I find it extraordinarily difficult to both buy and deny myself foods that were once restricted. Often times I find myself standing in the grocery aisle having a five minute debate over which type of bagels or crackers to buy (regular or "lite," whole grain or whole wheat, wheat or white, cheese or herb, this kind or that kind). It's exhausting and much too emotionally investing, so there are instances where I just throw both things in the cart so I come stop being a schizo in public. Not that I do this all the time. I really try not to make it a habit,and on the occasion where we find ourselves with 6 different types of cereal or 4 boxes of crackers in the cupboard, I will usually just scratch those items off my list for a week or so until our supply has calmed down.

On the other hand, as much as I would be content with a plate full of broccoli for dinner, I try to appease Dustin every once in a while with things like hamburgers, chili, shredded pork and the like. Who am I kidding--I like my animal proteins, too. But I found that the amount we use in cooking can sometimes be a little excessive. For example, I think I can make chili with 1/4 lb of ground beef as opposed to a half or a whole pound. The rest of the dish can be rounded out with things like beans or cooked veggies. I think it will be beneficial in terms of our health, money and cooking repertoire to find ways to stretch not only our food budget as a whole, but also our meat budget specifically.

Thus the idea of a Meatless Monday was born. I really love the idea of challenging myself to come up with new recipes that Dustin and I will both appreciate, all the while broadening our culinary palettes. If you have any meat-free meal suggestions, I would love to hear them!

So I guess those are my two big goals for the next few months--relax and ENJOY my blogging a little more without being so rigid in my posting/reading behaviors and save more money, especially on food by instituting Meatless Monday and eating less meat over all. Please don't mis-interpret this. I love meat. I am eating BBQ tonight. But I still recognize the benefit of working against my black and white thinking in this department too.

I think this year, I would also like to attend more live concerts, find ways to see my friends more and nourish those relationships, create more constructive hobbies for myself. I think the other, more deeper desires of my heart will follow :)

Well now that I've babbled on and on, let's actually get to some pictures shall we? Revelations, realizations, resolutions and now, RECAP! We were in dust-kickin' Wyoming for Christmas with my family and I loved every minute of it. Except the drive. There is nothing. Oh wait. There are windmills. We made it in time for church on Christmas Eve which is a big tradition for us. All dressed up. D and I got spoiled rotten on Christmas. Every year my mom says she is "cutting back," and every year we laugh at her because she never does. We got lots of amazing things including some new board games (love!!). Actually the best gift was spending time with my family.
Here is a little foodie flashback:



We had two different types of fruit cake, which of course, I was a little weary of. But since my sis made one, I knew it couldn't be bad. Hers is the second photo. I actually loved her recipe. It was rich and spicy, if a little crumbly. But I think that's because she didn't soak it in brandy ;) The first one was more dense and sticky, delightful over Greek yogurt.

Layered sweet potato and apple casserole, semi-stolen from my sister in law, Liz. Hers was better. Mine was slightly under baked, but better second day. Perfect golden turkey with stuffing (my FAVORITE!!)...peppermint pop rocks in my stocking.

No family dinner is complete without a plate of pickles (and you thought I was the only one). Finally, my mom's special fruit salad. Usually we just have it at Thanksgiving, but she is nice and made it per my special request since I wasn't there the first time around.

Well, if you have made it this far through my EPIC post, you deserve a prize for sure! Again, Happy New Year to everyone--I am wishing you all the best.

I have decided it's time for some more R's now, including rest, relaxation and a REMATCH!! If you peeps have never played Blokus, you need to! It's great! What's your favorite board game?? Mine will always and forever be Scrabble, but there is always room for some new loves! Love you! xoxo

Oh, P.S. Had to leave you with one last picture! This is my mom's favorite ornament of me. I made it in preschool and she puts it on the tree every year. Look at what a little shi*, I mean cutie pie, I was! Lol. Do your parents still have these of you?

I Like it Spicy Part 2

Wow, what a champ! Two blog posts in this week and at least one more coming up tomorrow. My hats off to you ladies who post daily-- I could never manage to squeeze it all in! And speaking of squeezing, I have a lot to pack into this post, so let's get to it!


You may recall from my previous post, my love for all things spicy, and my affinity for gingerbread. I've melded the two nicely together in this delightful dandy of a breakfast bowl:

Cottage cheese, copious amounts of cinnamon, slightly more judicious amounts of ginger, cloves and nutmeg (to taste), cereal trio,the requisite Fiber One and the mightiest of maple peanut butters, all drizzled with molasses.

Puts me in the holiday mood just thinking about it :)

I've also been in particularly cheery mood since receiving my goodie box loaded with fun things to try. My latest experiment involved the salt-free Chili Lime Seasoning blend by Mrs. Dash.
I love all the spices used in this blend including chili peppers, cumin and cayenne, plus the sour lime. But I also really liked the fact that this didn't contain any added salt. D likes to pour half a slat shaker on his food at meals--more out of habit than anything I think--so it's always nice to know I'm not contributing to any premature hypertension :) I have been obsessed with salmon lately, and this seemed like the perfect thing to pep it up. easiest thing ever (seen here with Tina's roasted broccoli and rosemary acorn squash). I just squirted a little lime juice on my salmon fillets, then sprinkled on the seasoning blend before popping them in the oven. They came out perfectly spicy and delicious, and I don't even think Dustin swiped the salt to douse his plate. But he probably just did it when I wasn't looking ;)

And now for the freaky part! I know you all missed this last week when I flaked out ( or maybe not), so I tried to come up with a real doozy for this installment. Guess what this is?


No, not worms, slugs or seaweed...
Pickled cactus! Awesome! Way back in the summer, I joked about munching on some pokey plants, and I finally found some that are safe to eat!

Well, these prickly pickles may not taste like worms, but they kind of felt that way all sliding around in my mouth.

Suggestion: do not eat these plain. Instead, dice them into a quesadilla or mix them up with some bbq sauce and cooked ground beef on top of a taco salad. That way they add a nice smokey and subtly spicy taste without the disgusting sluggy side effects.

Well, I have to peace out because Dustin's entire family is coming over for dinner tonight to celebrate our Christmas with them (they're headed to NYC *jealous*) and I am in charge of whipping up our holiday meal.

At my parents' house, we always have steak and lobster (neither or which I really care for) on Christmas Eve and then turkey on Christmas day. I actually got into a huge argument with my mom over whether or not we had ever had anything besides turkey on Christmas (for the record, we HAVE, Mom!). I've got some yummy things on the menu for tomorrow, but tell me--what do you usually eat for your Christmas dinner?

P.S. You all were so sweet to compliment my gingerbread cookies in the last post--makes me smile! xoxo

Turkey Tantrums

Holy moly guacamole! My reader is at zero as of 7:40 this a.m.! Whoo hoo! Now that is what I call a productive start to the day! Hopefully I can launch that into more productivity throughout the weekend--here's what I've got planned:

• 3rd yoga sesh of the week--I am a rockstar (hey, if this counts as strength training, I am at FOUR for the week--right on!)
• Hit up grocery store (also number four in the last day) to hunt down some Minute Maid light lemonade in a liter bottle and Hershey's Hugs. Who knew they were such a disaster to find??
• Produce copious amounts of Christmas goodies, using afore mentioned Hugs (check out Abby's sweet recipe here) and other yummy tummy things.
  
• Hit up a baby shower for my co-worker's son's girlfriend. Yeah...I am going and I even bought a present in spite of the fact that I have never met this chick before. I am nice. And I'm hoping there's cake ;) JK. She deserves some support and fun baby things, so I am happy to go.
  
• Wrap some presents and stick 'em under the treeeeee! We never put presents under the tree when I was growing up, but I kind of like it. I mean, obviously putting your kids' presents in plain view is just asking for trouble, but D is pretty good about keeping his hands off. Plus I already know what I'm getting and it doesn't fit under the tree, so I will be safe too. Any guesses?
  

Yeah, so we'll see what I get tackled.

In the meantime, here are a couple of luscious sammies for your viewing (and hopefully eating) pleasure:

First up is my own creation. I have to do this one first because it kind of pales in comparison to the masterpiece my super sis-in-law created.

Anyhoo, I give you my first turkey creation.

Panini style whole grainy bread with turkey, laughing cow and sliced pears. Yes , that's a side of pickles. Of course. Perfection. Melty.
My mom says she doesn't quite "get" the whole cheese and fruit thing. Trust me, Ma, if you had this sammie, you totally would.

Next up, the true superstar of this post, my sister in law Jessie's super sammie. She made this hunka hunka burnin love for out knitting club a couple weeks ago and seriously, everyone could NOT stop raving about how delicous it was! She made it for our family again while we were up for Thanksgiving andn I convinced her to let me put it up on the blog.

Accoridng to Jessie, this is a Giada de Laurentiis inspired mashup from a couple of recipes. Jess totally owns this version.

Thick loaf of bread cut in half and spread with garlicky pesto, topped with an ultra think layer of eggs and turkey breast on one side and provelone on the other.
But, wait! There's more! The love of my (food) life--onions! Jsut look at how happy that spoon is, surfing in that oniony gloriousness :)
Crowned with a luscious layer of sweet carmelly onions and finally assembled...


Beautiful.
Love ya Jessie! You are quite the little chef, and you can make sammies for me any day of the week!

Oh yeah! One more thing I have to do this weekend--announce my super duper giveaway winner! I was so psyched to see how many people entered in such a short amount of time, and I LOVED everyone's staples. I mean, it's no Chobani giveaway, but ya'll made me feel like I'm not so lame after all :) Love you for that!

So gettin to bizznass......the winner is.....
Elizabeth aka peanutbutterlover!! Whoo hoo girl! Just send me your info and I'll ship your package out as soon as I can get my a** to the post office.

Whew! Well, what are your cookie/treat making plans for the holidays? Anything special you're excited to make for you friends and negihbors (and let's be honest, yourselves!)? Also, do you guys put presents under the tree or save them for later? xoxo

Freaky Family Flashback/FFF #16

Hi-di ho there! Well, the boring/laziness continues, and today I have managed to combine three Friday themes into one sitting. Awesome. This is probably going to be kind of a long and picture filled post in which I talk a lot and really don't end up saying very much.

Obviously, I am taking a page from Janetha's book with a little flashback action. Not that we're flashing that far--just to last weekend. This is so I can show you the frigid adventure I suffered through. No, no, not the in laws--that part was fine! This part:
was the cold one! Yep, that's really me in the back of a pickup truck on a frozen dirt road, bouncing up into the mountains (aka the freaking arctic) to cut down a Christmas tree. yee haw! After nearly suffering hypothermia for approximately 20 minutes, we found our perfect little tree. I sawed it down all by myself...and by "all by myself," I mean that a cut a few gouges in the trunk and got about two inches in before Dustin had to to take over. After that I just stood there and watched. But I did help carry it down!

Don't mind that my boots are like three sizes too big. I'm pretty sure I got them when I was in the 6th grade. We thought I'd grow into them. Ha! Obviously I don't get out that much in the snow anymore, either. Snowboots will last ya that way :)
Here's Dustin's fam with their little one, too. My mother in law swore she wasn't decorating this year (they are going on a cool trip instead), but I think she really wanted to go up and get a tree anyway. Aren't they precious?

They really are, and I loved spending the weekend with them. Dustin has two brothers and two sisters, plus one brother is married, so I get a bonus sister, too! Of course we had lots of holiday food (no pics of the Thanksgiving feast--I didn't want to ruin the mood), and lots of treats, including some of these bad boys:
Tell me you don't love rice crispy treats! I don't think I have had these probably since I bought those snowboots, so it was kind of fun to eat a big gooey hunk on the way back from our Christmas tree expedition. I needed my strength to fight off the icicles.

We also found these fancy things on another freezing-ass cold outing to the North Pole, aka the grocery store.
Screamin' Dill Pickle. Hells yes. Freaky for sure, but disappointingly not as pickle-y as I would have hoped. I was expecting a sharper salt and vinegar type tang, but these screamin chip were really more like a whisper. Just a hint of pickle--and that's really not enough for yours truly, the Pickle Queen. Loveeee me some pickles, so I think next time I will just opt for those over the pickle chips--better for ya anyway :)

Speaking of stuff I love, don't forget you only have until midnight tonight to enter my giveaway. But if you are boring like me, that will be plenty of time for you since you're probably doing something like sitting with a nice book (or blog) and a cup of tea on Friday night. Yesssss!

Actually, I will be kind of a party animal tonight. We are going to our church Christmas dinner to mix and mingle and jingle. I may even be out past 8:00. P.M.!!! Lordy, lordy. We'll see if I can keep my eyes open ;)

However, hope you keep your eyes open for some cool stuff up on the blog tomorrow, including an amazing sammie courtesy of my sister-in-law and, of course, the winner winner chicken dinner. Hopefully that is what we're having tonight, and not some weirdy casseroles with wilty salad and funeral potatoes. Oh well--beggars can't be choosers. Fortunately for me, if the food is a little less than acceptable, I am sure the company will make up for it, and I can always have some of my favorites when I come home. Have a good night, yo! Any non-boring (or boring) plans for the evening? xoxo

Phinally Philly

Yes, oh yes, I FINALLYYYYYYY got what I've been waiting for! Yee haw and thank goodness for Sammie Saturday so I can show it all off!

But first I had this little guy, in yet another attempt at prolonging my cheese steak jones.
Whole grain bread, laughing cow, feta, sliced sweet and spicy peppers, roast beef. It's meals like this that make me wonder how I ever lived without beef. I mean props to all the veggies and vegans out there--I think it's a truly admirable way of life, health and eating. But cowgirl needs her meat yo! TWSS)

And now, on to more meat. TWSS x 2--I'm on a roll--and look, so is my sandwich! How cheesy...but then again,so was my sandwich :)
Big ol' chewy roll, crammed with tender, lean sliced beef, grilled onions and a teensey slice of provolone applied by my own hand. With a ginormous pickle on the side for kicks. Hey, if you're selling, I'm buying!

This was DE.LISH. The bread was so perfect, and I will probably be talking about it for days. Slightly crispy and perfectly chewy crust, surrounding the most doughy pillow of soft fluffy bread. Holy yum. I loved that the beef wasn't gristly or fatty. My only regret is that I didn't ask for extra onions like my friend did.

I was proud of myself for adding a little cheese. the sandwich comes with either provolone or cheeze whiz on top, so I asked for my provolone on the side and strategically placed just enough not to freak me out on while it was still warm so it would get all melty. Good call. For some reason, cheese on things is still a big fear for me. But I think this was a good rut buster, because seriously, you can't have a cheese steak without the cheese!

I also got to try another new thing I've been dying to try this weekend. Everyone and their mom has been singing the praises of High Intensity Interval Training, and I love the concept. 20 minutes of hard core pushing yourself, versus 40-60 minutes of ho-hum cardio queen routine (that would be me). HIIT has been shown to have many benefits, including building stamina and endurance and lowering body fat.

Even though I am simply convinced that less cardio will make me turn into one big blob, there are a few majorly hot bloggers who prove just the opposite. So despite the fact that I am terrified of deviating from my usual gym mandates, this morning I sucked it up and pounded out this version of HIIT, modified from the Oxygen magazine web site:

0-5 minutes 6.0 mph (warm up)
5-6 minutes 6.5 mph
6-8 minutes 6.0 mph
8-9 minutes 7.0 mph
9-11 minutes 6.0 mph
11-12 minutes 7.5 mph
12-14 minutes 6.0 mph
14-15 minutes 8.0 mph
15-17 minutes 6.0 mph
17-18 minutes 8.0 mph
18-20 minutes 6.0 mph
20-21 minutes 7.5 mph
21-23 minutes 6.0 mph
23-24 minutes 7.0 mph
24-25 minutes 6.0 mph
25-27 minutes decline to walking speed, cool down

I neglected to note that there were incline increases listed in the original workout, so I just left it at 0 the whole time. Next time, I'll try to adjust the incline as I go along. I actually really enjoyed this workout and loved that I got to change it up every minute or so--that is perfect for my mini attention span. After the HIIT, I have to admit that I hopped on the bike for a little bit so I could read my book. I felt pretty chill though, afterward, and not drained or relieved that my workout was over. I think I will be adding this in, for at least the next month or so, just to give it a try.

What do you think? Have you ever tried HIIT? I really am excited for the addition to my routine. If it's not working, I guess I'll know pretty quickly, but I think the most important thing is having fun and switching it up every now and then. Hopefully my body will thank me.

Anyway, I thank YOU for reading and hope you had a great weekend! xoxo

Thankful/FFF#12

Jeez. No post since Monday. Just call me slacker-face. (Not to be confused with snacker-face, who is much cuter!). But (big sigh of relief) , I have spent my a.m. catching up on all ya'lls blogs and my reader is at zero. Ahhhh.

And even though my computer is all hot and bothered and is probably getting ready to burn a hole in my table, I am now writing my own post, sure to be little long-winded...

It is also sure to be a little more personal and revealing than most of my posts, so if you are more anxious to check out my freak-a-licious food find, please scroll (scroll, scroll)--it'll be worth it when ya get there :)

November is all about the start of the holiday season, and of course, Thanksgiving. It's often an over looked holiday, but I love it in and of itself as opposed to just a kick off to Christmas.

A lot of us are talking about the things we are thankful for, and I wanted to add my own thoughts.

November is an interesting month for me. I have been feeling highly contemplative. It seems as though this month has brought about some sort of medical malfortune in the past , and history seems to be repeating itself . Not anything drastic for the most part, just little instances that make you take a step back and examine the way you are living your life.

While some of these things are a little too close (or not mine) to share on the blog, there is one item I wanted to talk a little about in my most supportive forum....

This time last year is when I began to really list back into the clutches of my eating disorder. I had been battling and resisting for months at that point and could no longer muster the resources for a fight. I was done.

I was pushed to the maximum on all fronts. My job was in a series of upheavals and co-worker drama (why can't we all just get along?). I had gotten in my first ever car accident in my company vehicle--yikes. I was direction-less and therefore unproductive in my work behaviors, which of course led to a huge dissatisfaction in myself.

The holidays were approaching and our families were waging a full on guilt war over where D and I would be spending our time. No matter what my suggestion, offer or attempt, it seemed I just couldn't make any one happy. Least of all myself.

I wanted everything to be perfect....

I don't pass along this info to throw a pity party--simply to suggest my state of mind at the time.

Thanksgiving was spent in tense moments and tears. I was already restricting, counting, measuring. My dad noticed.

Christmas was wrapped in the comfort of ed.

New Year's came and went. Cold.

February, March, April. I got help.

I am thankful for my recovery team. For my nutritionist, my group, therapist one...and shortly, therapist two.

I am thankful that this year will be different.

This year I will bake pies and EAT them. This year, I will share in, and enjoy the family recipes that mean so much to the rest of my family. I will not indulge in self destruction and guilt in stead of togetherness and joy. The holidays will not be just about FOOD, but about the traditions and relationships associated with it--those things that help to normalize eating behaviors and build a life around something besides the calorie count of a piece of fudge.

This year will be scary because I will not be in control of all of my food the way I would like to be.

But I am thankful for the challenge.

Sophia and Allison posed a difficult question the other day, and I wanted to share my response. The question was :

Is full recovery form an eating disorder possible?

here is what I wrote:
Hmmm...complicated question. Hard and fast, I DON'T think full recovery is ever possible. but let me clarify--full recovery from an eating disorder isn't possible like recovery from LIFE isn't possible.

You will never lose that experience, but then, would you really want to? Yes, I wish I didn't have to face these fierce struggles on a daily, hourly, all-the-time basis, but it has made me who I am. It has shaped my life and my spirit and my empathy towards others.

There is a part of me that believes I must have selected this trial in order to LEARN whatever it is that I am supposed to in order to progress.

I suppose I would kind of compare it to the process of repentance. We sin, we grow from our experience. We feel regret, guilt and humility. We turn to our Savior and He offers us complete forgiveness and erasure of our sins in his eyes. But we remember. We rarely forgive ourselves as fully as He is able to. We hold on to that experience to help us learn from our mistakes and become better.

There are many other moments of pain in my life and choices that I wish I could undo or forget, but they have made me who I am today. And I am growing to like that person.

One day I will be free of symptoms from my eating disorder and my thoughts of ed will be very few and far between. My life will be stuffed with things and people and emotions that are greater than food. I will be "recovered." But I will always remember.


Thankful for remembering.

Thankful for a wonderfully supportive husband and mommy, who came down to hold my hand through a particularly difficult and eye-opening doctor's appointment.

Thankful that my body has not given up on me yet.

Thankful for more family joining me and mommy for dinner
Notice how there are two bottles of ketchup on the table--one for ME and one for everyone else :) Thankful for condiments!

...and thankful for a deliciously deranged appetizer that had my name written all over it!

Fried pickles:


Hey, don't knock it til you've tired it! You guys know I usually would rather pluck out my eyelashes than eat something greasy and fried, so it's gotta be good! You also know I love pickles and these were no exception! Hot, battered and so salty. Perfect with ketchup (obv).

Thankful for job that, despite its stresses, allows me to have Fridays off so I can write epic blog posts like this one. :)

Thankful for my blog, my readers, for your support, kind comments and great ideas! You guys had some awesome suggestions to help me out of my food rut, so look out for some new things of YOUR creation here soon.

Thankful for sunshine, grocery shopping and old kickboxing workout videos, all of which are on my agenda for today, as well as meeting with a NEW therapist, as I alluded to above. Wish me luck!

What are you thankful for this Friday? xoxo