Thankful/FFF#12

Jeez. No post since Monday. Just call me slacker-face. (Not to be confused with snacker-face, who is much cuter!). But (big sigh of relief) , I have spent my a.m. catching up on all ya'lls blogs and my reader is at zero. Ahhhh.

And even though my computer is all hot and bothered and is probably getting ready to burn a hole in my table, I am now writing my own post, sure to be little long-winded...

It is also sure to be a little more personal and revealing than most of my posts, so if you are more anxious to check out my freak-a-licious food find, please scroll (scroll, scroll)--it'll be worth it when ya get there :)

November is all about the start of the holiday season, and of course, Thanksgiving. It's often an over looked holiday, but I love it in and of itself as opposed to just a kick off to Christmas.

A lot of us are talking about the things we are thankful for, and I wanted to add my own thoughts.

November is an interesting month for me. I have been feeling highly contemplative. It seems as though this month has brought about some sort of medical malfortune in the past , and history seems to be repeating itself . Not anything drastic for the most part, just little instances that make you take a step back and examine the way you are living your life.

While some of these things are a little too close (or not mine) to share on the blog, there is one item I wanted to talk a little about in my most supportive forum....

This time last year is when I began to really list back into the clutches of my eating disorder. I had been battling and resisting for months at that point and could no longer muster the resources for a fight. I was done.

I was pushed to the maximum on all fronts. My job was in a series of upheavals and co-worker drama (why can't we all just get along?). I had gotten in my first ever car accident in my company vehicle--yikes. I was direction-less and therefore unproductive in my work behaviors, which of course led to a huge dissatisfaction in myself.

The holidays were approaching and our families were waging a full on guilt war over where D and I would be spending our time. No matter what my suggestion, offer or attempt, it seemed I just couldn't make any one happy. Least of all myself.

I wanted everything to be perfect....

I don't pass along this info to throw a pity party--simply to suggest my state of mind at the time.

Thanksgiving was spent in tense moments and tears. I was already restricting, counting, measuring. My dad noticed.

Christmas was wrapped in the comfort of ed.

New Year's came and went. Cold.

February, March, April. I got help.

I am thankful for my recovery team. For my nutritionist, my group, therapist one...and shortly, therapist two.

I am thankful that this year will be different.

This year I will bake pies and EAT them. This year, I will share in, and enjoy the family recipes that mean so much to the rest of my family. I will not indulge in self destruction and guilt in stead of togetherness and joy. The holidays will not be just about FOOD, but about the traditions and relationships associated with it--those things that help to normalize eating behaviors and build a life around something besides the calorie count of a piece of fudge.

This year will be scary because I will not be in control of all of my food the way I would like to be.

But I am thankful for the challenge.

Sophia and Allison posed a difficult question the other day, and I wanted to share my response. The question was :

Is full recovery form an eating disorder possible?

here is what I wrote:
Hmmm...complicated question. Hard and fast, I DON'T think full recovery is ever possible. but let me clarify--full recovery from an eating disorder isn't possible like recovery from LIFE isn't possible.

You will never lose that experience, but then, would you really want to? Yes, I wish I didn't have to face these fierce struggles on a daily, hourly, all-the-time basis, but it has made me who I am. It has shaped my life and my spirit and my empathy towards others.

There is a part of me that believes I must have selected this trial in order to LEARN whatever it is that I am supposed to in order to progress.

I suppose I would kind of compare it to the process of repentance. We sin, we grow from our experience. We feel regret, guilt and humility. We turn to our Savior and He offers us complete forgiveness and erasure of our sins in his eyes. But we remember. We rarely forgive ourselves as fully as He is able to. We hold on to that experience to help us learn from our mistakes and become better.

There are many other moments of pain in my life and choices that I wish I could undo or forget, but they have made me who I am today. And I am growing to like that person.

One day I will be free of symptoms from my eating disorder and my thoughts of ed will be very few and far between. My life will be stuffed with things and people and emotions that are greater than food. I will be "recovered." But I will always remember.


Thankful for remembering.

Thankful for a wonderfully supportive husband and mommy, who came down to hold my hand through a particularly difficult and eye-opening doctor's appointment.

Thankful that my body has not given up on me yet.

Thankful for more family joining me and mommy for dinner
Notice how there are two bottles of ketchup on the table--one for ME and one for everyone else :) Thankful for condiments!

...and thankful for a deliciously deranged appetizer that had my name written all over it!

Fried pickles:


Hey, don't knock it til you've tired it! You guys know I usually would rather pluck out my eyelashes than eat something greasy and fried, so it's gotta be good! You also know I love pickles and these were no exception! Hot, battered and so salty. Perfect with ketchup (obv).

Thankful for job that, despite its stresses, allows me to have Fridays off so I can write epic blog posts like this one. :)

Thankful for my blog, my readers, for your support, kind comments and great ideas! You guys had some awesome suggestions to help me out of my food rut, so look out for some new things of YOUR creation here soon.

Thankful for sunshine, grocery shopping and old kickboxing workout videos, all of which are on my agenda for today, as well as meeting with a NEW therapist, as I alluded to above. Wish me luck!

What are you thankful for this Friday? xoxo