Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Happy Now?

So....I debated about putting up this post, but seeing how supportive the blogging community is of others' struggles , not to mention all the positivity I received from this post, I felt encouraged to put it up.

As I had previously mentioned, part of my reason for starting this blog was to break down my food barriers, stop restricting my diet, and discover my true likes and dislikes as creatively as possible as I seek recovery from my eating disorder.

It is always my goal to remain as optimistic as possible about food and recovery, but lately something has been off...or actually on. Yep, the weight. I've gained a few pounds,and to most, this seems like no big deal. But I notice. And worst of all, Ed notices. My body has become uncomfortable, awkward and yet again, an object of disgust and dissatisfaction. When I look in the mirror, I don't SEE fat, but my clothes brush my body too closely and whisper constant doubts and insecurities.

It puts the fear back in food and takes all the fun out of experimenting. It's hard to get excited about new meals or fancy treats when all I can think is "I shouldn't be eating that."

I crave the comfort of safe things and safe foods. I rebel against the meal plans and grain quotas. I become anxious over my addition and subtraction, moving forward, stepping back and fighting the battle harder than I have had to in a long time.

My body continues to let me down by not achieving the satisfaction I have anticipated for it. I know recovery is not supposed to be easy, but I can't help feeling discouraged. I have worked so hard for health, and it seems unfair that I am still so miserable in my own skin. I suppose there can be no affection in perfection, if that is my goal. I will have to learn to love my body (and myself) regardless of it's current weight or state. I'm just not sure how.

I am unhappy with my body today, but I know I am so blessed in many other ways:
I live in a beautiful state (in my new beautiful home)

I have a loving and close family

an amazing husband

and his wonderful family
and for you guys, too! I'm so grateful for your interest in my blog and your friendship. I am inspired by each one of you every day in your hunger for life and the enjoyment that should go hand in hand with food and eating. I am alive, I am still here, and I am still fighting. I guess that's something to be grateful for too. xoxo


  1. Emily, I really can relate to this post. I have actually gained 10 pounds in the past 4 months. But, I needed to gain the weight. You see, the reason I had even been at a lower weight was because of a stressful, new schedule of school and work Spring semester. My body is much happier at a slightly higher weight. It is an odd feeling when your clothes are a bit more fitting. But, from your pics, it looks as though you wear your clothes like I wear mine: a little loose and flowy. Also like me, you are probably still small even with the new weight gain. Is your body happier where you are? Do you have more energy? I know I do! You are beautiful and Ed doesn't ever speak the truth. Ed has never led anyone to a healthy place. You have done a great job of showing Ed who's boss with your blog of experimentation. Don't let him take that away from you. ;)

  2. hello darling. before i put my 2 cents in about myself and how i feel, i gotta say that from seeing you in person you are GORGEOUS and your physique is something i could only dream of. seriously em, you're bangin! with that said.. i will say my bit. ah, battles. being uncomfortable in your own (or my own) skin SUCKS. and people can say over and over that you look good (which you do) but it just sucks to feel blah about yourself (i know, i am there). i dont want to be a downer but i do want to say i can relate to you 110%! i know it is not the exact situation but just know i feel you. i love your positive outlook and you are right, lots of good things in your lovely life! i think you have such a healthy position on experimenting and trying new things and this post is probably really helpful for you to vent, get stuff off your chest, all that. as you know it is something i have done on my blog often, it really does help to just type it all out! any time you want to talk you know i am here and we still need to get together so let me know when you have some time :) xoxo love you lots girl!!!

  3. I agree with Janetha 115 percent, and you know I don't just say things to make people happy. You do look healthy and beautiful and every time I see a picture of you, I have that same thought (not in a weird way) and use it as motivation.

    You feel uncomfortable because you're venturing out of your comfort zone into the uncertain (I just posted about this) and it stinks. However, look at how you have been able to run now that you're healthier? I would LOVE to be able to run and have people tell me that I look so much better. I am jealous of all the great food adventures you've been having and breakthroughs you've made!

    With that said, recovery isn't a straight line. Right now you're in a tough spot mentally, but you have the tools and the experience to know that this feeling isn't permanent--it will pass. You do have the power to change things for yourself and by choosing to plow through this little hurdle, you are choosing health--stay strong!

  4. Hello! I have only just found your blog tonight. So even though I can tell you how pretty and slim you are, it won't help how you feel. usually when I start to falter, there's something much deeper going on than just a pound or two. If I am on the ball, I can catch it (stress at work, new job, new HOME!?!). Change is the only certainty in life. But it is also very hard to deal with. I hope that you can regain your footing because from what I can see in the 2 or 3 posts I've read, you've come a long way baby! :-)

  5. All 3 people before me have already posted such an incredibly insightful thoughts. I really like what Abby said about feeling uncomfortable because you're out of your comfort zone and also what Deb said about something deeper going on. When I was trying to gain weight after a bout of anorexia my nutritionist/therapist was always telling me that I was focusing on food and my weight (and "feeling fat") to distract myself from something else. I never quite understood what she was talking about until my ED metamorphisized into Binge Eating. Instead of wanting to NOT eat to control my feelings of discomfort I would turn to food to numb my thoughts and feelings. I agree that maybe trusting yourself more and allowing yourself to experience this discomfort might help. I always used to hear people say, "Sit with the feelings" instead of stuffing them down with food. Maybe it will worth the other way around? "Sit with the feelings" instead of restricting?

    I am completely with the others - you are so beautiful Emily...you have a gorgeous smile - you seriously light up the page with your pictures.

    Thank you for writing such an honest post....I really appreciate it and always learn things about myself from stuff like this. :)